Untangling shame and its honorable intentions
Chronic shame is one of the most debilitating traps we can find ourselves in. For those of us who grew up in complex or abusive family systems, shame is a brilliant source of self-protection. As children, if we were to name how unsafe or unpredictable our caregivers were (emotionally, mentally, physically), even just to ourselves, we would be far worse off. No, they could not be the problem, or we would realize just how deeply hopeless our situation really was. But if we were the problem, we could also be the solution, even if right now we were fucking it all up relentlessly. This mindset may even be reinforced explicitly, if those same caregivers verbalized that we were, in fact, to blame for our painful experiences.
Thus begins, and maintains, the cycle of shame - a deeply embedded neural-network that lives in both our brain and body, seeking self-betterment through criticism, just as we learned when we were small and otherwise defenseless. But we don’t often consider habitual shame spirals as self-protective. Quite the opposite; we tend to shame ourselves further for our negative self-talk, falling deeper and deeper into the sticky slump of self-deprecation in an attempt to rid ourselves of what deeply pains us.
The reality is, if it weren’t serving us, we wouldn’t do it. Even our most challenging and seemingly harmful tendencies carry the wisdom of self-preservation.
So what can be done?
“Children don't get traumatized because they were hurt. They get traumatized because they were alone with the hurt.” - Dr. Gabor Mate
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“Children don't get traumatized because they were hurt. They get traumatized because they were alone with the hurt.” - Dr. Gabor Mate |
When we experience traumatic pain in childhood, we splinter. As Fabian Franco, PhD, writes, “the inner critic typically originates in early traumatic experiences and becomes more pronounced when the trauma is prolonged or repeated”, (click here to read the full article, it’s incredibly insightful). We develop versions of ourselves that are strong enough to cope with the relentless pain when our little-selves can’t. They protect us when they can, but eventually, they plague us, too. That protection turns to control and then torment, as we fight harder to contain the broken-heartedness it was never okay to feel. “If you were stronger, better, more in control of yourself… Why aren’t you better by now, it’s always this way, you always do this…” and down the spiral we go.
So if the criticism, no matter how well-intentioned, maintains this painful cycle, what is the antidote? Positive thinking?
Well, what’s happened when you’ve tried?
Usually when I ask this question to my clients, I’m told it goes something like this:
”You are enough…
You are capable…
You are… not actually believing this! You’re so stupid, this is so stupid.. you actually think this is going to help?! You know this doesn’t get better, you’re worthless, how stupid can you be... you dumb…..”
If this is familiar to you, you’re not, at all, alone.
when Positive thinking inevitably fails, wtf are we supposed to do
As mentioned previously, chronic shame is its own complicated, habituated neuro-network, so when we try to do something different, the habitual thoughts, wired to protect against this exact situation, often get louder. So doing the opposite with great intensity naturally elicits greater vitriol from the inner critic. Whoops. But, there’s another way; a softening of both our inner-critic and our expectations when it comes to how we should be thinking, feeling and behaving.
In the article mentioned above, it is offered that CBT, Narrative Therapy, and Mindful Self-Compassion are a solid way forward. But, when we hear Self-Compassion (or at least, when I hear it) as an antidote to Self-Criticism, it’s easy to feel defeated - specifically, if we see our only approach to it as mainstream “self-love” and positive affirmation.
So, may I introduce to you, my favorite mindfulness practice that ISN’T that.
Metta - Positive regard, for you, and me, and your annoying neighbor
Loving-kindness meditation, or Metta Bhavana, has its origins in ancient India, predating the Buddha, and became a central Buddhist practice over 2,500 years ago. While deeply rooted in Buddhism, similar concepts like Maitri are also found in pre-Buddha Indian traditions, Hindu texts like the Yoga Sutras, and Jainism.
In english, the meaning of Metta more accurately translates to “Unconditional Positive Regard” - to practice is to hold yourself and others in that light.
When I was first introduced to Metta mediation, I was in rough shape - I was hyper-vigilant, chronically stressed, and self-shaming through all of it. I was trying to will myself into more positive thought processes, and I failed over and over. But Metta clicked.
In Metta, we will nothing. We force nothing. We even expect nothing… we just offer “well wishing”. We wish for ourselves goodness (and others, when we’re able), even if we don’t have it right now. In this process of well wishing, we drop the power struggle with the inner-critic; we aren’t arguing them, or fighting against them, and the critic gets to drop the protection, even if just for a moment. It Metta, we simply say to ourselves:
“May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I live with ease and well-being.
May I be free.”
It can be implied even, that we follow these phrases with “even if I’m not right now.” No war, no expectation. Just wishing ourselves well, maybe, at some point, even if not, that’s all okay.
When I was initially taught Metta I was told to always practice for oneself first (can’t pour from an empty cup and all that), but in my graduate training in Mindfulness Based Counseling, a contemplative teacher told me to let that go. At the heart of Metta is kindness, and rigidity is not kindness. We practice Metta how we can; if that means practicing it for someone else first, or dropping one of the phrases because it doesn’t resonate, or changing the words a bit to something that resonates more, or laying down while you practice… then that’s how you practice. In the same vein, practice formally by carving out time to sit with the phrases while focusing on your breath, or informally by repeating the phrases while you drive to work, shop for groceries… however you practice, that’s how you practice, that’s kindness (or unconditional positive regard).
Rewiring our brains and bodies from chronic shame is slow; and that’s kindness. Small, slow movements towards a softer approach is how we let our inner child, and our inner critic, know they are safe to change - not by willing or forcing. Metta is a great place to start. The video above guides you through a quick practice of using it for yourself and others, but if you’re more of an infographic person, you can download a printable set of instructions I made for you below.
*An important note on the phrasing of Metta: “May I” is intended to be well wishing, not asking for permission. You are simply wishing yourself well, regardless of your situation or the outcome.
If you’d like my support while doing this reclamatory work of healing, you can click here to schedule a free consultation, or here to learn more about my background and approach. May you be happy, healthy, safe, at ease in well-being, and free.
