Repairing our relationship to “Self” - how parts work helps us trust and lead
Chronic shame, self-criticism and rigidity can quietly fracture our relationship with ourselves. Despite their hidden, honorable intentions, they inevitably turn us against our own experience, leaving parts of us silenced or exiled. If we operate from a shame-state as our baseline, our days, weeks and years slip by while we war with ourselves without much to show for it; self-criticism mistaken for motivation, self-abandonment confused with strength, and little progress made. We learn to habitually meet our inner world with judgment instead of care. I won’t speak to this ad-nauseam here, instead, I’d like to talk about one of the therapeutic ways we can learn to re-orient to our inner-world when we find ourselves in relentless cycles of self-shaming.
Among many, a regularly used model for repairing our relationship with self is through the lens of parts work. Rather than a singular, rigid theory of human sentience, parts work asserts that our inner world/personality/identity is made up of many inner parts, each with its own perspective, emotion, role, beliefs about ourselves and the world, etc. None of these parts are better than another or more “desirable”. Each emerged for a reason, often in moments when we needed protection, belonging, control, or some complex combination of the three. For instance, when we are young and faced with some deeply painful experience beyond which we have the skills to cope with yet, some part of our psyche steps up and deals with the situation the best way it can. Perhaps it prompts us to retreat into fantasy, isolate, or maybe it gets very big or bossy to help prevent us from feeling the deep hurt of the situation. Even shame, as discussed in my previous post, contains this wisdom of self-protection in this way. But to prevent further pain from occurring in the future, these parts get stuck in self-protection mode when they recognize perceived similar threats in our relationships, our social environments, or our careers. They over-generalize, and as a result they become locked into extreme roles, stuck in strategies that once kept us safe but now keep us divided and at war with ourselves.
Parts work, most recently popularized by Richard Schwartz and his therapeutic modality, Internal Family Systems, invites us to slow down and listen inwardly, to notice the voices or sensations that arise in response to daily life stressors, and to meet them with curiosity rather than judgment. Instead of trying to change or silence what we find inside, we learn to understand how these parts have been working to help us, even when their methods feel painful, confusing or counter-intuitive. Over time, this practice helps us re-establish communication between the exiled and protective aspects of ourselves and to relate to them from a steadier, more compassionate center.
A quick aside on compassion before moving on- the goal of parts work, or therapy as a whole for that matter, is not just to build a more compassionate lens from which we orient to ourselves and our experiences. Change is the goal, and we of course want to move towards changing the experiences, self-perpetuated or otherwise, that cause us harm. However, many of us come to therapy having lifelong attempts of trying to will ourselves, gently or harshly, into changing the things about ourselves that we do not like…and if it hasn’t worked yet, despite all the time and energy spent on it, it’s likely that the part of ourself that keeps doing said thing-that-has-not-yet-been-changed is stronger than those attempts…yes, even stronger than our inner-critic, our shame, etc. The antidote is a new way; a way that allows us to get really curious about that part, learn it well, discover what it needs, what it’s afraid of, what it desires, so that change can organically follow. Compassion is simply the re-orientation to ourselves from a lens of curiosity rather than shame.
Moving on: within parts work, it’s common to notice a few distinct types of inner experiences. While everyone’s internal system is unique, these patterns, or “roles” can help us understand how our parts relate to one another, and thus, how they can direct us towards the changes we seek.
Some parts take on protective roles. These are the voices or impulses that try to prevent pain or vulnerability at all costs. They might strive to control situations, overachieve, withdraw, or numb, depending on their adaptive strategy and the situations they developed to protect us from. Protective parts often carry the burden of keeping us safe, even when their strategies create tension or exhaustion. Beneath their vigilance is usually a deep care for our survival and dignity.
Other parts hold the emotions or memories that once felt too overwhelming to face. These are sometimes called exiles. They carry our grief, fear, sadness or unmet needs, and tend to live below the surface of daily awareness. When they are activated, the feelings they hold can flood us, cause us to regress, shut down, leave us feeling young, raw, or destabilized. Protectors step in to prevent this, which can perpetuate an inner tug-of-war that never quite allows us to feel relief.
At the heart of this work is learning to access what’s often called the Self; the steady, compassionate awareness that exists beneath and around all of these parts. The Self isn’t so much a “part” as it is our innate presence and capacity to be with them; to persevere, to nurture, to exist despite hardship. From this place, we can listen without judgment, care without rescuing, and understand without collapsing into reactive patterns of self-protection. Over time, this relational process helps the parts of ourselves trust that they no longer need to protect us in the same rigid ways. They begin to relax, revealing their original intentions or needs, which often include connection, creativity, validation, witnessing and care. When we uncover these needs, we can finally take inspired, aligned action to meet them, and meet them well.
To wrap up - when we see our inner world through this lens, it becomes easier to understand why we feel so fragmented at times. The parts that once worked tirelessly to keep us safe finally receive the opportunity to be witnessed, and can use it to reveal their stories to us when we learn to relate to them with respect for their innate intelligence. This shift alone can sometimes change the quality of our relationship with ourselves, but can also naturally direct us towards the meaningful change we seek.
Repairing self-relationship is not about forcing acceptance, enabling harmful patterns or quickly transforming pain. Instead, it relies on learning to stay present with what’s inside long enough to listen well and without judgement. Parts work offers a map for doing this that honors both the wisdom of our protective instincts and the needs of the exiled feelings beneath them. Over time, the distance between what we want and what we need begins to close, we find our direction, and we learn to tend to ourselves as a unique ecosystem, rather than a problem to be solved.
Talking about and doing this work are two different things entirely, but if you’d like to learn more about Parts Work, specifically the model mentioned above, you can click below to download an infographic that can help in visualizing the different types of ‘parts’ commonly encountered along the way.
If you’re in Colorado or South Carolina and you’d like my support while doing this reclamatory work of healing, you can click here to schedule a free consultation, or here to learn more about my background and approach.
